“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”
Dale Carnegie
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Win Friends and Influence People
Rapport is when you meet a person in your life where there is an immediate, instant connection, so that you feel you know them, they know you, you like each other and get on. “I feel like I’ve known you all my life”. Something just clicks.
So why is this concept important? Well basically everyone likes someone who is like themselves, where there are similarities or a common bond. When you chose to spend time with people, they tend to be those people who like doing what you like doing. If you don’t like doing those things you will stop going with those people.
The qualities that attract a woman are not something you can see, it’s the way she feels when she is with or thinking about you. If she feels a connection to you then that is a good start to her enjoying her time with you. She is interested in how you look, to some degree, but she is more interested in how you make her feel.
How to establish Rapport
When you meet some people you like them as soon as you meet them, others you can’t get away from fast enough. The practice of establishing rapport comes from the study of excellent communicators. What happens when these people interact with others and look to start a harmonious relationship? They start by reducing the differences between themselves and another, both at a non-verbal level and verbal level? They are looking to minimise the differences and maximise the similarities.
People use representations in their minds which, if you can tap into, can create rapport. There are different ways people represent the world inside their heads - these are called Representational Systems and everyone does it. Some people see the world, others hear it while some feel it! People use words and figures of speech from all three categories, though they tend to favour one and it is possible to determine their favoured mode by listening.
Often you ignore the information people give you about how they communicate. If you play back in a similar frame you recognise the map they are using and operating in. Translating your language into their representational system creates strong rapport and influences at an unconscious level.
Rapport can also come from the way you use your body, the way you stand, the way you hold your heads and hands, the gestures you make and so on. It’s what she sees which dominates her understanding of the message, not what she hears.
It is not possible to force or cause rapport to exist. However it is definitely possible to massively increase the likelihood of it emerging using tools you can learn.
Objections
There are a number of reactions to using rapport.
Can it work or make any difference?
I can assure you that is does make a difference and it is worth doing. If anything gives you an edge why wouldn’t you at least try it for a period of time?
It feels manipulative!
You are happy to do things to make her feel comfortable in your presence, such as improving your appearance and maintaining your hygiene so why should this be any different? I prefer to think of this as putting her at ease and making her feel better. Such persuasion only becomes manipulation where she is being coerced to do something she doesn’t really want to do. That is not the intention here.
“Opposites attract” so why would be more similar?
The statement is true where such differences provide variety to the relationship or a good fit in other behaviours. However you are driven by your internal values.
Consider a stereotypical married couple where the man goes out to work for twelve hours per day and couldn’t imagine being at home, whilst his wife stays at home looking after the house and children and couldn’t imagine being away from home. These two people look as though they are complete opposites, one wanting to be at work, the other wanting to be at home. They look like opposites. However both have the same view of the roles of men and women in a marriage, that the man goes out to work and the woman looks after the children. You may disagree with this view but it suits them. If she had instead married someone who stayed at home all day there would be considerable strains in the relationship and you would be hard pressed trying to convince her that a man’s place is with his family.
You feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable!
Tough! It’s not about how comfortable you feel - it’s about how comfortable you make her feel. If you are not willing to feel uncomfortable you give the unconscious message “My comfort is more important than yours”. You have to ask yourself, do you want to be someone women feel comfortable around. If the answer is “Yes” then start to establish rapport.
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“Three-fourths of the people you will meet tomorrow are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you”
Dale Carnegie
“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread”
Mother Teresa
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Your Goal
Understand how to establish rapport and the benefits it can bring.
The Plan
Practice observing and then matching mannerisms and modes of speech to produce rapport.
Article First Published on EzineArticles Rapport - The Key to Dating Success
