Improve Your Odds

February 23rd, 2009

 

“I’m a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.”

Thomas Jefferson

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Get Lucky - Improve the Odds

Improving the odds for dating can be related to the probability of

       (1) Getting a date, or

       (2) Avoiding rejection

The first of these is concerned with playing the game, realising it’s to do with numbers and that in order to succeed you need to have a strategy. If you want to win the lottery buy lots of tickets. You can’t guarantee a win but you can make it much more likely!

You cannot avoid the risk of rejection but you can reduce the likelihood of it happening, and this involves such things as going to the right places, reading the signs and watching for feedback.

Improve the Odds of Getting a Date

In looking for dates, you cannot guarantee the number of successes you will have. When asking a woman for coffee, you have no idea what the underlying probability of success is. It varies for each person but does exist. The only thing you can control is the number of attempts. Rather than concentrating on getting dates, concentrate on asking as a determinant of success.

If your requests for a coffee have been declined five times, ten times, twenty times, what is the probability of a successful outcome the next time you ask? Provided you remain consistent in your approach, the probability remains the same as the first time you asked. The only thing which has changed is your mental state.

This is not to say that you have to accept the probability of success you find you have. It can be improved. Work on your approach, take feedback and improve.

Improve the Odds of Avoiding Rejection

The vast majority of men want to be more successful when dating women, but most of them do nothing about it. They wait and take whatever comes their way, which is usually nothing - standing there with their eyes closed and hands open but hoping to catch a ball! You can have a strategy which trusts to luck, but in dating, success by luck doesn’t happen very often. You can sit and wait for it to happen or become pro-active. The first approach trusts to luck and the second builds by design.

Most men know they need more skills and success when it comes to meeting and dating women but they won’t get off their backsides and go out and learn those skills. It’s as if they believe they are some sort of loser if they look for help in how to meet women. It’s one of the things you weren’t taught when you were young and no-one explained it to you. However you don’t have to be naturally talented to pick up women - you can learn, practice and improve. You weren’t born knowing how to walk or speak. You couldn’t drive or read. These were skills you learned when you needed them. Being successful with women is just another skill that you can learn.

When you know what to do, success is easy. Small adjustments in the actions you take make massive differences in your success with women. You need to know the opportunities and situations to look out for. Suddenly, instead of trusting to luck you have a strategy with a feedback loop.

Who and When to Approach

The secret is to learn, to remove the red flags and take the input to improve your experiences.

One definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. If you try something and it doesn’t work try something else. Vary what you do. Eventually you will start to get some success which you look to improve on. Give yourself some yardsticks s you can tell if you are progressing.

This is why dating help which just provides pick-up lines or concentrates on reading her won’t work for everyone. Everyone is different so you need a plan you can tailor to your own circmstances. You have to build your own plan and go at your pace!!

Get a Plan

Get a plan, put it into practice and carry it out.

Your plan has to recognise your feelings and the things you can control. You cannot control the success or failure of anything you try but you can control the act itself and the way you feel about it. Why worry and give value to something you can’t control only influence?

Where to approach

If you decide to go fishing, you will naturally choose somewhere where you believe there are some fish. If you want to improve the odds of catching one you go somewhere there are lots of fish. Technically you put yourself in a target rich environment on a regular basis.

Dating is exactly the same. You can’t just sit around and hope the right woman will turn up. You need to put yourself in the right sort of environment where you will meet the right sort of woman, someone with a similar outlook, similar values and similar interests.

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“Learn the fundamentals of the game and stick to them. Band aid remedies never last”

Jack Nicklass

 
“Doing more of what doesn’t work won’t make it any better”

Charles Givens

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Your Goal  

Improve the odds of getting a date by choosing the right places to go and asking the right women.

The Plan  

Develop a plan and look for feedback to improve your odds. Identify where the types of woman you will date would socialise. Practice and plan for various scenarios so you are prepared.

 

Article First Published on EzineArticles Improve Your Dating Odds

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Is She Interested?

February 9th, 2009

 

“Your actions speak so loudly I can hardly hear what you say!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Body Language - The Key to Reading People

As with rapport, body language, such as non-verbal gestures, postures and expressions, is a subject you have heard about but you probably do not use. It is still as valid as ever and can definitely give you an advantage in the dating game.

You communicate much more non-verbally than verbally. Women are more expressive in body language and better at reading it. However men can learn and develop these skills.

There is a great deal of very deep analysis of body language in all sorts of social situations and a great many books. For your use however, there are two aspects that you need to concentrate on -

1.         Observing women’s body language so when you see ten women in a bar you can tell which one is eager to meet you, and

2.                  Reinforcing your own body language to ensure that you are welcoming, open and congruent, so your physiology matches what you are saying.

Body language can help you be more successful in dating. Women are often only being friendly not initiating an approach. If there is no invite then rejection is inevitable. Hence you can improve the odds by working out which women are open to being approached. Learn how to read women’s body language so you know when you’re in with a chance and can press on with confidence, or when you are wasting your time and should cut your losses and run.

Body language is fascinating to watch and study. Understanding the signals and messages your body is sending out and reading the signals others are sending you is one of the most useful dating skills to master.
Body Language Basics

You need to think about your and her body signals. Concentrate on her, observe her - her appearance, her personality, her connection.

It is said the eyes are the window to the soul. This works both ways - your eyes reflect your innermost thoughts, her eyes indicate what she’s thinking. You communicate more with your eyes than any other body part. It is impossible to flirt without making eye contact.

Your hands send powerful messages. Are they open or closed, apart or touching, in our pockets or waving wildly around? Open hand gestures indicate openness, genuineness and friendliness.

Your posture can signal a wide range of messages to whoever cares to look. It can indicate your interest or otherwise, whether you feel defensive or open and whether you really want to be there. All these are valuable signals being given to you in your quest for a date.

Her Body Language

The most important point to remember when trying to read her body language is that you can’t determine what she is feeling by observing just one body language sign. You need to look for groups of behaviour signs. Folded arms might mean she is putting up a barrier. Alternatively it might be that she is cold, she has spilt something down her blouse and is attempting to cover it up or it’s just the way she always sits.

In addition it is not how she looks which is important but more often it is the change in body language that is most telling. If she goes from leaning forward, gazing into your eyes and smiling to leaning back, arms folded, frowning and avoiding eye contact then she has changed her mood and it is up to you to understand why and react.

Is She Interested in You?

There are two stages in using body language to improve your odds of success. Firstly you need to identify which women in a situation are on the look out for a man. Next you need to interpret signals directly sent to you.
 
In a social situation to determine which women you have a chance with first of all observe how they are behaving. Are they looking around, checking out the men, scanning the surroundings? If so this is an indication they are available and looking.
           
There are a number of key signals that may indicate she is interested in you and in any advances you might make. The key to improving your success is learning to read these signals.  The way she looks at you, stands, smiles or grimaces.

Learn to read her like a book then act when you see a green light.

Your Body Language

The points above apply equally well to you. Be aware of the messages each part of your body and posture are giving out.

In addition the key area to work on is your physiology as you approach people. The basic rule is to maintain eye contact, smile and appear friendly. Eye contact can be deemed aggressive, particularly if you maintain an unwavering stare! So when you are working out if a woman is interested just hold the gaze for a second or two longer than you normally would. Don’t stare without blinking - she will think you are a lunatic and don’t grimace - you will look as though you are in pain!

If you get a response, act immediately. If you don’t she knows you are nervous and all is lost!

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“It is the way we react to circumstances that determines our feelings”

Dale Carnegie

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Your Goal

Learn to read and understand the signals you and women give out through body movements and postures.  

The Plan  

Watch women as they talk and socialise. Identify the signals they give and how they use them. Observe your own posture and gestures. Emphasise ones which reinforce the message you want and eliminate ones which give out the wrong signals.

 

Article First Published on EzineArticles Is She Interested? - Women’s Body Language

 

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Rapport

January 26th, 2009

 

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”

Dale Carnegie

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Win Friends and Influence People

Rapport is when you meet a person in your life where there is an immediate, instant connection, so that you feel you know them, they know you, you like each other and get on. “I feel like I’ve known you all my life”. Something just clicks.

So why is this concept important? Well basically everyone likes someone who is like themselves, where there are similarities or a common bond. When you chose to spend time with people, they tend to be those people who like doing what you like doing. If you don’t like doing those things you will stop going with those people.

The qualities that attract a woman are not something you can see, it’s the way she feels when she is with or thinking about you. If she feels a connection to you then that is a good start to her enjoying her time with you. She is interested in how you look, to some degree, but she is more interested in how you make her feel.

How to establish Rapport

When you meet some people you like them as soon as you meet them, others you can’t get away from fast enough. The practice of establishing rapport comes from the study of excellent communicators. What happens when these people interact with others and look to start a harmonious relationship? They start by reducing the differences between themselves and another, both at a non-verbal level and verbal level? They are looking to minimise the differences and maximise the similarities.

People use representations in their minds which, if you can tap into, can create rapport. There are different ways people represent the world inside their heads - these are called Representational Systems and everyone does it. Some people see the world, others hear it while some feel it! People use words and figures of speech from all three categories, though they tend to favour one and it is possible to determine their favoured mode by listening.

Often you ignore the information people give you about how they communicate. If you play back in a similar frame you recognise the map they are using and operating in. Translating your language into their representational system creates strong rapport and influences at an unconscious level.

Rapport can also come from the way you use your body, the way you stand, the way you hold your heads and hands, the gestures you make and so on. It’s what she sees which dominates her understanding of the message, not what she hears.

It is not possible to force or cause rapport to exist. However it is definitely possible to massively increase the likelihood of it emerging using tools you can learn.

Objections

There are a number of reactions to using rapport.

Can it work or make any difference?

I can assure you that is does make a difference and it is worth doing. If anything gives you an edge why wouldn’t you at least try it for a period of time?
 
It feels manipulative!

You are happy to do things to make her feel comfortable in your presence, such as improving your appearance and maintaining your hygiene so why should this be any different? I prefer to think of this as putting her at ease and making her feel better. Such persuasion only becomes manipulation where she is being coerced to do something she doesn’t really want to do. That is not the intention here.

“Opposites attract” so why would be more similar?

The statement is true where such differences provide variety to the relationship or a good fit in other behaviours. However you are driven by your internal values.

Consider a stereotypical married couple where the man goes out to work for twelve hours per day and couldn’t imagine being at home, whilst his wife stays at home looking after the house and children and couldn’t imagine being away from home. These two people look as though they are complete opposites, one wanting to be at work, the other wanting to be at home. They look like opposites. However both have the same view of the roles of men and women in a marriage, that the man goes out to work and the woman looks after the children. You may disagree with this view but it suits them. If she had instead married someone who stayed at home all day there would be considerable strains in the relationship and you would be hard pressed trying to convince her that a man’s place is with his family.

You feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable!

Tough! It’s not about how comfortable you feel - it’s about how comfortable you make her feel. If you are not willing to feel uncomfortable you give the unconscious message “My comfort is more important than yours”. You have to ask yourself, do you want to be someone women feel comfortable around. If the answer is “Yes” then start to establish rapport.

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“Three-fourths of the people you will meet tomorrow are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you”

Dale Carnegie

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread”

Mother Teresa

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Your Goal  

Understand how to establish rapport and the benefits it can bring.
 
The Plan 

Practice observing and then matching mannerisms and modes of speech to produce rapport.

 

Article First Published on EzineArticles Rapport - The Key to Dating Success

 

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